Becoming us: rebuilding couples’ connections
I believe that love and relationships aren’t end-states but a practice we constantly hone and refine over time. Whether you’re a couple navigating a new phase, trying to find space for your relationship amid parenting, or have found yourself adrift after decades, I’ll help you learn how to prioritize closeness in your relationship.
Over time, even the closest couples can feel the quiet drift.
In the beginning, our relationships are filled with sparks, late-night conversations, and an eagerness to discover one another. As life expands, our relationships inevitably make room for more: careers, mortgages, kids, extended family, and caregiving responsibilities. These additions can quietly push our emotional connection to the background. Our lives become overwhelmed by busyness: the meetings, the carpool lines, the screens we begin and end our days with. Most days, it feels like actually connecting with one another ends up as the last thing on the to-do list.
When our emotional lives go on autopilot, we often don’t see how much we’ve drifted from one another until it feels like we’ve already lost something. Why does maintaining closeness feel so difficult, even when love is present?
I’ve worked with thousands of couples at all different stages, and I’m convinced that we can achieve closeness if we learn to approach it as a habit, practice, and a skill.
What does closeness look like?
Open communication starts with sharing how you feel and being willing to get vulnerable about your true desires, fears, insecurities, worries, and anxieties. When we do this, we let our partners see our full selves.
Bringing your whole self to a conversation is sacred and intimate, and it can feel really uncomfortable and overwhelming. How your partner responds to you makes all the difference. That’s why open communication isn’t just about what we say—it’s also about how we listen to each other. Practice receiving what your partner tells you without interrupting, and challenge yourself to exercise compassion as they speak. Treat every conversation as an opportunity to grow closer.
Practice open communication
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Next time you feel like expressing an important need or boundary, start by asking your partner if it’s a good time to talk. If they’re open, make a concise request that's actionable and time-specific, and share sincerely why it matters to you. For example, “I feel like work has been really overwhelming recently, and I really need some time to connect with you to help me feel grounded and give me something to look forward to. Would you be open to planning some kind of outdoors activity for us on Saturday?” Keeping it simple helps your partner understand you and take action. After sharing, invite your partner to ask for something they need too, making it a two-way conversation where both of you feel heard and supported.
Ask your partner the following questions: When you are upset, how do you like to be supported? How could I show up for you in a way that feels meaningful? Make a sincere effort to respond in the way they need next time, showing your commitment to their comfort. Notice how this small shift strengthens your connection.
Intentional moments of connection are about creating regular rhythms that foster closeness in a relationship. These can be bigger traditions that anchor you to your values, like how you as a family host a Halloween-themed dinner for your friends each fall, or smaller behaviors and routines that bring your relationship into focus, like creating technology-free moments with your partner over coffee. It’s about more than just spending time together: rituals tend to leave us feeling a more profound sense of belonging and togetherness.
Create intentional moments of connection
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Take a few minutes each week to share personal wins and challenges, along with what’s worked well for you as a couple.
If you and your partner go to bed at different times, spend a few minutes together before the early bird falls asleep. A small moment to connect can end the day on a warm note, even if you don’t share the same bedtime.
Create a greeting ritual for when one of you comes home. Talk about what kind of ‘hello’ would make each of you feel noticed and appreciated, and try to make that part of your daily routine.
Find shared values
We often take for granted that our partner shares the same vision for our relationship, family, and legacy that we have. But in a world where many couples come from different social and cultural backgrounds, and our personal values tend to change and grow over time, it’s so important that you take the time to articulate what matters to you both, and how you’ll reflect that in your day-to-day life.
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Together, select a few value statements from the list below that resonate deeply with you both. What does each statement bring to mind when you hear it? What does it mean to you? Feel free to add your own as well.
We believe emotional intimacy is essential.
We value health and wellness.
We see passion and physical intimacy as essential.
We value continuous learning and personal growth.
We stand for social justice and human rights.
We honor personal freedom and the right to make our own choices.
We value emotional repair after disagreements.
Now, identify one new concrete action you can take to further live out your core values as a couple. Here are some examples:For emotional intimacy: Schedule weekly check-ins where you share your feelings and needs with each other.
For passion and physical intimacy: Make time for regular, intentional connection, like a date night or a weekend getaway.
For continuous learning and personal growth: Pick a book to read together or attend a class that interests you both.
For emotional repair: Create a ritual for apologies and understanding, so that you can reconnect after disagreements.
